Persephone's Myth
Dear Community,
My last newsletter received a flurry of responses and I am so thrilled that the conversation was sparked!
Susan said: “HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! What kind of "drunk" is he actually referring to? Fall over sloppy drunk or just a female empowerment buzz which as we all know, is the "gateway to the truth telling" for most women. I myself can't drink any longer, however the "mild buzz" was always the best! It unleashes a side to most women that makes them lovable and frankly sexier.
Maybe he meant "sloppy drunk" which is not easy to watch a man or a woman become. But it does make for a really good story every once in a while.
And dare I say, is this comment coming from a refined gay man or a horny straight man? I have friends that are both and each would certainly have different viewpoints. My stylish gay friend Dennis would find it "unrefined" for a woman to be "sailor drunk" whereas my straight male friends don't want a woman that can drink them under the table, because who would drive them home.
These poor men these days and their crooked opinions of women in general have me laughing to myself. What will they do when women really run the world? Oh wait, we already do, and they just haven't caught on yet. “
Susan, I think you have just opened the Drunk Woman Investigation Bureau! And you've put your finger on exactly what amused me about the whole thing: what does “drunk” actually mean here? Fall-over-and-lose-your-shoes drunk? Or simply a woman who has had enough wine to stop editing herself? I suspect the really dangerous state, for patriarchy, is not necessarily drunkenness. It’s the female buzz that says: “Actually, I’m going to tell you what I think.”
And I love your question about whether this is a refined gay man or a horny straight man speaking. Perhaps we need a controlled scientific study with several bottles of wine and a very large sample size!
Megan wrote: “I think that all of history has had a HEAVY theme of controlling women. We're always too thin, too fat, too loud, too quiet, too SOMETHING (whatever the thing is that is NOT what women are doing or being at that minute). Ophelia drowned under the weight of her own clothes. Indian women are still expected to throw themselves on the funeral pyre. Fairy tails make old women ugly so we dont notice they are FREE. Heroine chic is in, just kidding, its a Kardashian body, just kidding, its the Ozempic look. The only time it was chic to be heavy was when most people couldn't afford enough food to eat. None of that is an accident. You are supposed to be a virgin, but also to be sexually experienced with your husband, but also be an asexual mother, but also have sex like a man, but also be a lady. It’s all exhausting. I’d like very much to unsubscribe from all of it.” (At first, I thought Megan was talking about unsubscribing to my newsletter, and I got very upset! It turns out, she would like to unsubscribe from the invisible, overwhelming expectations placed on women).
Megan, YES. Whatever the thing is that is NOT what women are doing or being at that minute” may be the most perfect description of the whole absurd machine. And I love the fairy-tale observation: make the old woman ugly so we don't notice that she is FREE. There is something (kind of) hilarious about how consistently culture has tried to keep women busy managing their bodies, their sexuality, their voices, their appetites, their age, their faces, their weight, their desirability… basically anything that might distract them from noticing that they are actually free. And the impossible assignment you describe so perfectly: be a virgin, but sexually experienced; maternal, but sexy; feminine, but powerful; thin, but not too thin; aging, but somehow not visibly aging.
Honestly, I think I would also like to unsubscribe.
Although I suspect there is no unsubscribe button.
Emma said: “Here is my pre-nap thought (lol)… maybe that saying came from scared parents who didn’t want their daughter “losing control” in a situation where she could be taken advantage of. So instead of taking the time to explain about the effects of wine and the dangers of “bad people” they just made an unforgettable statement and hoped it would stick to avoid any misfortunes with their daughter all together.”
Emma, I love this pre-nap thought. And yes, I think you may have uncovered the original parental memo: “Dear daughter, there are dangerous people in the world. Alcohol impairs judgment. Please be careful.”
However, that was too many words, so we got:
“THERE IS NOTHING MORE DISGUSTING THAN A DRUNK WOMAN.”
And I think there is something important in your interpretation: there is a legitimate safety issue around losing control, being vulnerable, and being around people who might take advantage of that. The question that interests me is how easily a warning about safety becomes a judgment about a woman’s character. “Don’t put yourself in a vulnerable situation” is very different from “You are disgusting if you lose control.”
Francis said: “I wonder if this comment about a drunk woman is essentially acknowledging the predatory behavior of men with antisocial personality in society, which is more common in men, than women? The saying may be an awkward attempt to protect or warn women, despite its patriarchal or misogynistic undertones, especially if spoken by women.”
I think this is a really interesting possibility, and probably why the sentence is more complicated. There absolutely is a legitimate safety issue here: being intoxicated can make anyone more vulnerable, and women can face particular risks from predatory men. Maybe the original impulse really was protective: “Don't put yourself in a situation where someone can take advantage of you.” I keep getting stuck on the wording. Why does the warning become “there is nothing more disgusting than a drunk woman” rather than “there is nothing more dangerous than being too intoxicated around people you don't trust”? That shift is fascinating. The first one regulates the woman's behavior through shame. The second one acknowledges the danger without making her morally repulsive for being vulnerable. And I think that's where the patriarchy-shaped tomato comes back in! Maybe the original seed was protection. Somewhere along the way, it grew into a rule about what kind of woman is acceptable. Which makes me wonder how many things we inherited as “protection” are actually old safety messages wrapped in layers of shame?
Thank you to all who contributed for your various points of view. It is always so inspiring to see the world through your eyes and change my heavily patriarchy-tinted glasses with lenses of other colors and shapes.
Today is my last night in Romania. My 30-year medical school reunion happened in Bucharest over the weekend. Approximately 360 doctors got together and shared stories, wine (!) and danced together for hours before we parted ways again for god only knows how long.
As I write this, while contemplating the new journey unfolding in front of me tomorrow, I feel a bit like Persephone.
Do you remember the myth of Persephone, the daughter of Demeter? Demeter was the Goddess of Harvest and Fertility. Her precious daughter, Persephone, safe in her knowledge that her mother was a powerful Goddess, was picking flowers in the meadow, one sunny day. Suddenly, the earth opens, and Hades, the God of the Underworld rises from below, grabs Persephone and takes her with him. Demeter, her mother, is devastated and she begins searching for her daughter. For nine days and nine nights she wanders the Earth and she neither eats nor drinks. On the tenth day Demeter goes to Helios, the Sun God, who sees everything. Helios tells her the truth: Hades has taken Persephone into the Underworld, with the permission of Zeus.
Demeter is furious and because she is the Goddess of Fertility and Harvests, the fields become barren, the seeds remain underground and nothing grows. Humans begin to starve and the Gods begin to lose their offerings because there is no harvest from which to make them. Eventually, Zeus realizes that if Demeter does not relent, humanity will disappear, so he agrees to strike a deal: Hades agrees to let Persephone go for half the year, under the condition that she will spend the other half in the underworld. Persephone will spend part of the year with her mother in the world above, and part of the year in the Underworld with Hades.
When Persephone returns, Demeter allows the earth to bloom again. When Persephone descends, the Earth becomes barren.
Moving between two worlds, feeling a sense of belonging to both and to neither, I feel like Persephone’s story is my story now and I’ve been asking myself all sorts of questions. As usual, I am left with way more questions than answers.
I would love to hear what is being stirred up in you by the following questions (that have to do with the relationship we create with a certain place):
Is belonging something inherited, or something created?
How much of identity is place, and how much is memory?
How do I return to a homeland after becoming someone who could only have existed by leaving it?
Does immigration create a permanent third culture inside a person?
What happens when “home” is attached to people, language, landscape and memory, but those things have all changed?
Is nostalgia actually longing for a country, or longing for the person I was when I lived there?
What do I owe the place I came from after it has given me an identity I eventually left behind?
What do I owe the place that received me?
Can leaving be an act of love rather than rejection?
If neither world feels like it can fully claim me, is that a loss, or a form of freedom?
Please email me back if you feel inspired!
With love, (a tiny sprinkle of) rage, and reverence, Your disorganized, recovering people-pleaser, community-dreamer, hope-filled activist in the making, deep-sleeper, clean compliment giver and receiver, not-a-true-exhibitionist, 21-day resetter, recovering prostitute, courageous by practice, trusting by skill, always with my head in the clouds, but loving my feet on the ground, soul worker (!), inner voice listener, pleasure list maker, Aquarium sleepover organizer, beginner-level meditator, wabi-sabi contemplator, self-fascinated observer, giving-up-machismo supporter, hot soup-slurper, enthusiastic and tired traveler, death by Yellowjackets antidote and higher consciousness dreamer, aspiring human rights warrior, zielschmerz-stricken, nap lover, mostly Romanian wine-drinker, Persephone-adjacent,
Corina
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